Tag: Religion

Giving Ourselves Some Grace

As someone with anxiety and depression, I know how difficult it is to cope with quarantine; it’s a drastic shift from attending school daily and seeing friends to a life of monotony cooped up in the home. Not only that, but the fear of disease and the unknowns about the future can be crippling, paralyzing even, during these difficult times. Due to the lack of stimuli in comparison to what I’m accustomed to during the school year, it has been easy for my mind to wander places better left hidden in the past. One matter in particular that I’ve revisited is past mistakes and behavior and in doing so, I’ve uncovered newfound criticisms of myself that only lead to trouble.

I’m not going to lie – it can be incredibly tempting to wallow in this pain and shame for my past actions and decisions. However, a memory came to mind to combat these dark thoughts that I think could be a great comfort and important message to many.

A few months ago, I was shredding papers and organizing documents at my father’s workplace when I took a break to converse with my aunt, who also works there. I was telling her about my fear of never being good enough or of always making mistakes when she said something that has stuck with me ever since – “You give grace to others when they mess up, right? So, it’s time you give some grace to yourself, allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from it, but don’t dwell on it forever.”

I reminded myself of this today, actually, upon the realization that I was beating myself up over an error I’ve recently made. I’ve had to realize that it’s a part of the human condition that we blunder and falter in our steps – it’s an undeniable part of life. However, another part of the human condition is living on after we err and changing our ways in accordance with what we’ve learned from our mistakes. After all, that’s why God gave us the atonement. He wants us to progress, rather than remain grounded in the past, and live with Him someday as perfected beings. Pain is all a part of the journey and once we repent and reconcile with Him, we can be truly happy. Our mistakes don’t define us, only what we choose to do after the fact does.

The lesson to learn in all of this is, of course, to offer ourselves some grace. We shouldn’t condemn ourselves to live miserably forever, all because of one misstep. Rather, we should seek true happiness and forgiveness in Christ, as He can bring us peace even in the deepest internal and external turmoil.

My Story: Part Three

After a rather traumatic freshman year, I was determined to cultivate my talents and focus on enhancing my academic abilities throughout my sophomore year of high school. I built several new friendships during the school year and maintained good connections with peers who had supported me during the fiasco with Damien. However, my relationship with God faltered due to my insecurities that stemmed from my experience with sexual assault. These insecurities consumed me and ravaged my brain, a perpetual flurry of questions that I could never answer: Was I worth more than my body? Could I be loved more than just in a physical sense? Most pressing of all was the question of whether I could trust the people around me anymore. How could I possibly know someone’s intentions with me? Nevertheless, I tried to give everybody the benefit of the doubt. After all, the backlash that followed my experience with Damien taught me how destructive it is to be critical of others.

Going into second semester of my sophomore year, I was sure that I would end the school year on a pleasant note. In the spring of sophomore year, a good friend of mine introduced me to a boy that she had liked at one time– I’m going to call him Martin in order to preserve his anonymity. Martin was quite charming and handsome; consequently, he had a long history of past girlfriends and flings. Despite these rumors, I was kind to him and hoped that we could become friends. After he made some sexual advances on me, though, I ended my communications with him, both online and in person.

The next time we ran into each other was after school on April 12th. I was walking to the tennis courts to meet my best friends, as I had just used the restroom. He stopped me and we talked; soon enough, though, he began to kiss me roughly and pulled my pants down. I was pressed against a shipping crate, with my back towards him, and he raped me. After saying “no” several times, he put his hand over my mouth and assured me that he was almost done. Martin then argued with me and threatened that if I told the authorities, he would know and he would be upset, as it would ruin his senior year of high school.

Both the school and the police did an investigation into the matter. However, my mother and I were upset with the lack of serious consequences for him, as we knew that it was not justice for the pain that he had caused me. Despite this, I firmly believe that even this made me much stronger as a person and contributed to my growth. 

The aftermath and recovery following rape is a harrowing journey. I experienced panic attacks often; I couldn’t even watch television programs that included themes of sexual assault, as it would cause me to break out in hysterics. Martin haunted my thoughts and I had nightmares about him so frequently that I began taking medication to prevent such nightmares from popping up. The pain was further compounded by the taunts and threats that I received from my peers at school. As a result, I often lashed out at people who had no intention to harm me. If it weren’t for the comfort of my church leaders and parents, I doubt that I would have made it through those first six months after being raped. Of course, I must also thank the Lord for the peace that he brought me during those times. Now that it has been a little bit over a year since I was raped, I have learned that there are so many women around me that I can help heal and comfort by sharing my story with them. Because of the trauma I endured, I have been molded into a stronger person and a woman of courage; I hope that with these experiences, I can leave behind a legacy of kindness and comfort with other survivors of sexual assault and abuse. These things should not be something we are ashamed of or that we stay silent about– it is imperative that we speak up and come together to bring this violence and depravity to an end.